No thanks, I'd rather not see your womb. No, really, it's okay.

People have kids. I know, this is a revelation, but seriously, they're having kids left and right these days. More importantly, they have to share the "good news" with every motherfucking person on the planet, as if sticking a penis inside of a girl and peeing is some sort of monumental achievement. Congrats, you couldn't pull out in time! You are winner!

Oh hai, I is arrived!

So needless to say, when I was recently informed of a friends pregnancy, I was treated to a prenatal album of excitement. Front and center...you'd think it would be some sort of sonogram, or maybe just a card to let you know with no pics. Instead, what do I get to see?

The two motherfucking sticks you pissed on to confirm that your claptrap guzzled some cum at the right place and the right time.

What does it say, honey? Oh, I'm retarded! That's wonderful!

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate kids, I don't hate pregnant chicks, I just find the fact that you pissed on something and felt the need to share it with me a bit ridiculous. I mean, seriously, if I wanted to get something pissed on I'd just go down to the local 7-11 with the Indian guy who sticks his dick in the coffeemaker. I know where babies come from. Congrats that you have won the internet by a.) fucking and b.) peeing. You really deserve a medal.

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Oh snapacockus!!!

Not only was it my birfffday yesterday, but we managed to pass the 4,000 (FOW THOSAND, as creepy might spell) mark for visitors to the Phab Four! Congrats people! Thanks for reading, and I'll looking forward to the end of the semester (3 weeks-ish) so I can get back to writing...good times!

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Blackberry smartphones are fucking incredible.

My new baby. She's sleek, sexy, and black, which means I'm going interracial.

Listen, I'm pretty lame when it comes to cellular phones. The fact that I'm using the term "cellular phone" in and of itself indicates how ridiculously out of touch I am with them. This isn't to say I'm out of touch with the technology, just that I haven't had the need or the cash to upgrade from my old phone.

Artists representation of DJ's old phone...[/zach_morris'ed]

Anyways, I don't have a decent mp3 player, I want to have an organizer on the go that isn't paper and pencil (which is what I've used for years), and I want something I can interact with on my PC and use it to share/edit documents. The choice was clear: I wanted a Blackberry, and it was on sale at my local Verizon store.

Now, the Storm2 is pretty sweet. Touch screen, with resistant technology so it "clicks" when you push on the screen. It's pretty nifty. I chose Blackberry because a.) I've been a loyal Samsung user for my last two phones, which both kind of sucked, a Kyocera user for the one before that (utter shit), and a Nokia (drizzling shit, although for the late 90's it probably was decent) b.) I'm not a macfag, and thus refused to even consider an iPhone.

No, seriously, I mean, I fucking refuse to buy an Apple product.

I also checked out Motorola's droid, but I have to be honest, it didn't feel good in my hands. The sliding face felt cheap, and the keypad was ridiculously small. I mean, little-Malaysian-kids-who-are-sewing-soccer-balls-would-have-meaty-Andre-the Giant-fingers-when-trying-to-use-this small. So that was out. The Blackberry not only felt great, but the features were excellent too.

I have to say that getting my email on the go is thus far the best part for me. Granted, its mostly from students who fail hard, but still, it's neat to know in realtime that their failing hard. The touch screen works well, and the little fucker flies on the 'net. Even better, its the first Blackberry to use WiFi technology so it can be used as a tether modem if you're out in the middle of nowhere, or Blackberry service is unavailable. It's pure. I like using it at school, where secure wireless access is available.

Twitter has even become considered. I'm thinking of a Phab Four twitter, mostly because I'm lame and now can use one. But I think it is clear:

I'm becoming an attention whore.

Well, more than I was before, anyways. :P

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I love winning arguments...

I frequent a board related to mafia movies. Apparently, the moderator there doesn't like my logic.

From SC:

Talking to you about ANYTHING, Fat Boy, reminds me that if I wanted to hear from an asshole, I would have farted.

OK, Don Sicilia, no need for any reprimand. I've had it with dealing with people like this.

Win!

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Random Facebook Fail

Continuing with our tradition of presenting you with the finest fail pictures from across our lives, I present a link I was sent by some random on FB...it is apparently a friend of a friend who now I'm defriending after seeing she associates with such people.



ZOMG! Look at mah muzzles!

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Little girl from suburbia trying to be ghetto fail

Durr, I puts mah hatz on mahself?!?!

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Russia is greatest country in world all other countries have inferior potassium

http://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/genmessage.php?board=927750&topic=52009995

Oh, wow. A Russian kid got ripped off by Gamestop, his mommy came in, and he works out. Oh, it's epic. Oh, I need more coffee.

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Double-J's Quasi-Instantaneous Game Reviews #1

A new feature of the Phab Four is going to be me giving reviews of games after 5 minutes of playing them. Clearly, this is a quality way to judge games, but hey, fuck it, I'm the one writing this column.

Since I've taken advantage of the B2G1 sales over this month - first at Toys 'R Us about two weeks ago, and the one currently going on this week at Best Buy - I've got six (6) games to review. All of them will get *in depth* reviews, but for now, you'll get the 5 minute reviews.

1. Beatles: Rock Band



Beatles RB is like an orgasm for your ears. It's got a bunch of really, really good Beatles songs, and in essence, is probably the *funnest* Rock Band game I've played largely because it doesn't intend to make your fingers bleed with bullshit intentionally fucked up chord variations. Instead, you can actually jam on some classic songs with relative ease, but still being difficult on expert. I've actually, for the first time, attempted to multitask by playing expert bass and singing at the same time, with mixed results. My headset sucks balls, thus I get wicked feedback and it's pretty much ass. Nonetheless, fun thus far.

Five Minute Score: A- (needs more songs!)

2. Killzone 2



Probably the most overhyped game for the PS3 thus far, I was skeptical and held off buying this FPS largely because I thought the demo sucked. Boy, was I wrong. This game is great - I really do like the weightier feel of weapons, and the gritty atmosphere that the title brings. Granted, I think it is a tad linear, and I wish there were more options at approaching enemies, but nonetheless, it's fun as fuck.

Five Minute Score: B+ (linear, lack of weapon variety)

3. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2



Far and away my favorite title I've picked up thus far, Marvel: Ultimate Alliance takes all of the fun of the original and adds in fusion attacks, which is like an orgasm for your fingers. Granted, it's a pretty straightforward Marvel beat-em-up, but they didn't mess with success, and thus, it's pure joy.

Five Minute Score: A (same beatemup formula, but not a lot of innovation)

4. Borderlands



A game I never really intended to buy, all of you who read this blog highly recommended it. It seemed like, to me, anyways, a more approachable (read: FPS-like) version of Fallout 3. Personally, I don't have time to play an in-depth RPG; I'm still stuck at like 11% of Oblivion, even though that is an epic game. But Borderlands seems to strike a nice balance of FPS fun with RPG elements and I'm really enjoying the Western atmosphere. Very Eastwood-ian.

Five Minute Score: B+ (nifty atmosphere, lack of cover system annoying)

5. Operation Flashpoint: Dragon Rising



A sort of impulse buy, I've been looking to fill the void left by SOCOM since Zipper seems compelled to not make another sequel. I really enjoy tactical military shooters, and while a nice rambo-style FPS ala Call of Duty or KillZone 2 is cool beans, I also like the gritty realism SOCOM brought to the table. Operation Flashpoint, allegedly, brings this sort of realism, hearkening back to the 1 shot - 1 kill days of Rainbow Six. Controls are a bit clunky for my taste but admittedly I have to get used to them. AI - both on your side and enemy - seems to be very adept at picking up on locations, whereas I have a hard time seeing enemy soldiers. I stood out in the open trying to figure out where this Chinese PLA faggot was hiding, and meanwhile, got a .50 hole in the side of my head. Fuck. Blowing up an enemy camp with a howitzer was epic, though.

Graphics are decent with a lot of pop-in and focus issues. Controls seem awkward at first, and trying to cover takes too much time with crouch animations being slow as fuck (although your AI enemies have the same problem, so it's almost negated).

Five Minute Score: C+ (clunky controls, unforgiving AI that is difficult to locate)

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves



Haven't popped this alleged GOTY-candidate into my PS3. Will review tomorrow.

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